The only reason I’ve been putting off this post for so long is how daunted I was by the illustrations.
Drawing visuals for me is (ironically) way more stress-inducing than writing. Nonetheless, I’ve tried and done is better than perfect. Plus I’ve included some rough sketches at the end.
Enjoy :)
It’s been nearly a year since life has felt like it’s accelerated. I’ve come to the realisation that I’ve squarely jumped from the little lake of childhood to the big ocean of the adult world (bearing in mind it’s been quite a few years since I was an adult but I feel like it takes a while to mentally catch up, yknow?)
With this jump into the adult pond (or should I say sea), I’ve been flailing around a lot trying to swim, or at least find my feet. Many times I’ve felt at the point of drowning, unable to be present for myself let alone anyone else.
‘When you need yourself the most, sometimes you can’t find yourself.’
It’s a quote said in passing by one of the students in the writing course I was part of. It’s one of the many quotable things that she says, based on the idea of ‘self-parenting’, trying to undo the mistakes of the past by ‘re-parenting’ yourself as it were.
As I step into this ‘new role’, of being an adult, new discoveries unfold on what feels like a daily basis. I’m challenged by the barriers in my brain, but going to therapy, journalling, and meditation have been helping a lot. I think it’s difficult to spell out the benefits without trying yourself - it’s an intangible sense of awe and wonder at the new-found mental clarity, particularly as my brain is normally so cluttered with…stuff.
Actually, that stuff as I (used to) call it, is now clearer to me. It took shape during my last therapy session. My therapist uses a lot of visualisation. As I do more sessions with her, I find myself able to go deeper into my brain, push over some of those barriers, and I can see a lot of imagery coming up.
Lately, it’s been of the inner child.
Ironically, one of my favourite Korean dramas* is actually about the inner child. The plot features the heroine, a psychologist who’s dealing with the hero, a guy with Multiple Personality Disorder. Turns out he developed MPD in order to protect her from the abuse they faced (they were childhood friends but both didn't realise due to their suppressed memories). By the end of the show, both of them are learning to deal with the inner child of their mental traumas.
Subconsciously, I always thought that this whole concept of an ‘inner child’ only applied to people who faced severe trauma. I didn’t think that it would be something that every single person could have.
When we think trauma, we automatically think of something horrific, something many of us are privileged and thankful to not have experienced. Yet I believe now, we all have had some sort of ‘trauma’ growing up. Emotional perhaps is more the case in a ‘normal’ upbringing (comparison, self-esteem, negative thoughts, bullying, to name a few).
Facing trouble is the nature of being human; life throws us issues to learn how to survive. The severity differs, but we all get triggered by something, and it’s likely related to your inner child.
Our inner child serves us when we're young but as we merge into the path of adulthood we require a shedding of this old character to graduate into our new, adult life. Not doing this results in an inability to move forward, a feeling like a failure as an adult and not knowing why. This is where I was for nearly a year.
From my own therapy, I’ve realised addressing my inner child is the key to moving from the level of survive, to thrive.
But, that’s not the only thing I’ve discovered. Along with the inner child, lurking in the shadows, is the inner parent.
The inner parent is an amalgamation of the adult beliefs that were ingrained into my inner child. Once I figured that out, during a session of therapy, it was a literal lightbulb moment, illuminating the dark recesses of my brain.
I won’t be going into detail here, (perhaps in another blogpost) but I’m coming to terms with the parent-child in my head and I hope, somewhere in the near future, I will learn to let go and move into the self I’m really meant to become.
P.S. Here are rough sketches of characters and scenarios I had drawn a while ago, after the therapy session.
*P.P.S. This drama is a (now-cringey) 2010 melodrama but it’s still hilarious and perhaps worth a try if you’re into a bit of slapstick and are okay with the over-dramatics of it all